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Yet every step of the way – by how parents, teachers, and other kids relate to them, by the games they play, and by what they see on TV and in movies, computer games and the internet – boys are constantly trained to be emotionally unaware and inexpressive, especially when it comes to vulnerable feelings.īoys also learn, without even having to think about it, that they should be ashamed of such feelings, even that they should hate themselves for having them.
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For example, baby boys become distressed more easily, and cry sooner and more often than baby girls. And if they do, they don’t allow themselves to seek the support and help they need.īelieve it or not, males are biologically wired, from birth, to be more emotionally reactive and expressive than females. Thanks to this myth, many men don’t pay attention to the emotional effects of their unwanted sexual experiences. “Real Men” Don’t Have or Show Vulnerable Emotions
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And both predicaments are made worse by widespread ignorance in society – ignorance about the fact that such experiences are not rare for males, that the experiences can have lasting negative effects, and that men can overcome those effects and be manly at the same time.īreaking free from this myth can lower the odds of getting stuck with needless suffering and lost potential. Aware the experience(s) were harmful, but too ashamed to seek support dealing it.īoth situations make it difficult for men to move on and achieve the lives they want and deserve.Suffering from negative effects, but not realizing what happened was harmful or that it’s related to current problems.Thanks to this myth, guys tend to find themselves in one of these two situations: This myth is a powerful one-that males are never sexually used or dominated in ways that can leave them feeling vulnerable or overwhelmed. Myths & Realities About Manhood “Real Men” Don’t Have These Experiences (At first glance it looks very academic, but it’s not.) It has many powerful quotes from interviews with men, which are grouped into themes and discussed in terms of how the effects can be different for men. Many other guys like you already have.įinally, you may want to read a paper on the psychological impact of sexual abuse on men, by Dr. But it’s absolutely possible to sort them out, and to become completely comfortable with who you are as a man and a sexual being. Such concerns and worries about one’s masculinity and sexuality are common and totally normal.
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Totally Normal, Understandable, and Overcomeable For gay and bisexual men, they may wonder if their attraction to men was caused by their sexual experiences. For straight men, they may doubt that they are “really” heterosexual. In most cultures, regardless of your sexual orientation, if you’ve had an unwanted or abusive sexual experience, the question, “Am I gay because that happened?” can bring lots of torment. That said, in different cultures and subcultures, these ways of being sexual are accepted, or not, to varying degrees. Whether you are straight, gay, or bisexual is, of course, totally fine. Can I ever be a “real man” if I was sexual with another male?.If anyone finds out, will they think I’m gay?.Did it happen because I’m (really) gay?.Confusion or Fears About Your SexualityĪnother way that unwanted sexual experiences can be different for many men: If the sexual experiences involved another male (or males), they may have thoughts and confusion about whether they are gay. And many men only realize years later that a major motivation behind these actions was to prove that they were “real men”– even while holding the belief that their past unwanted sexual experiences meant they weren’t “real men.”Īnother motivation behind men attempting to prove their masculinity is to protect themselves from further attack – to be the kind of guy no one messes with, to belong to group of men that everyone sees as tough and beyond any challenge to their manhood. Countless men have said that as boys, teenagers, and young adults, they’ve gone to great lengths to prove their masculinity: playing aggressive sports in super-aggressive ways, sexual conquests, bulking up by lifting weights, picking fights, extreme drinking and using, reckless driving, daredevil stunts, joining the Marines, etc.